We live in a world where sex is a hot topic of discussion, it is glorified in a lot of places like advertisements, TV shows, plays, and movies. But what if it doesn’t drive you as much as others? Does that make you feel out of place or weird?
There are some people who feel sexually attracted to only those whom they have developed strong personal bonds and feelings with. Such people may be identified as demisexuals. What a person might be confused about is, whether demisexuality is a sexual orientation.
Demisexuality is believed to be a subset of an individual’s identity rather than being an individual’s sexual orientation. Sexual orientation as defined is a way to see which gender one is sexually attracted to, demisexuality on the other hand is a way of experiencing sexual attraction. It is about how one wants to go about in a relationship rather than identifying who they want to be in a relationship with.
A person who identifies as demisexual could be of any sexual orientation such as heterosexual, bisexual, gay, pansexual, etc. Demisexuality does not influence someone’s sexual orientation. It does not affect how they identify their gender- whether a person be man, woman, gender fluid, etc, they may still be demisexual.
When a demisexual person experiences sexual attraction and desire, it is typically only towards their partner. Their sexual urges are not driven by only being physically attracted to someone as can be commonly observed. Demisexuals are not resisting an urge for sexual attraction, those sexual feelings are simply not present there unless they feel a strong emotional connection to someone.
People who identify as demisexuals often consider themselves asexual. Asexuality is a term to describe those who cannot feel love or feel disconnected from love but can feel romantic attraction or don’t feel disconnected from the concept of romance.
Demisexuality falls on the spectrum of asexuality spectrum, it’s more akin to the experience of being asexual until that type of connection forms, at which point sexual attraction extends only to that person. A difference between asexual and demisexual is that a demisexual experiences a secondary attraction towards a person which is a mental and emotional stem of a deeper connection.
Some Signs That A Person Could Be A Demisexual
Not A Fan Of Physical Touch
As opposed to the usual youth behavior, kissing, grinding on dancefloors or any kind of physical touch is not a turn-on for a demisexual person. Any form of physical intimacy is uncomfortable for them and could make them feel anxious. A demisexual person would rather prefer to sit and have a conversation with a person instead of having any physical connection with them. Immediate physical contact could become unbearable and overwhelming for them. This does not mean that a demisexual person does not feel physical attraction toward anyone, it is just that it is not something that draws them towards their partner.
Defiance Of The “Hook-up Culture”
People who identify themselves as demisexuals do not feel comfortable with the modern “hook-up culture”. As a demisexual, one is not interested in one-night stands or hookups. Having sex with a random person is something that is a total turn-off for them and instead terrifies them.
Can’t Have A Crush On Just Anyone
A demisexual person cannot develop a crush on any random person without getting to know them or developing a connection with them. They also usually don’t have any celebrity crushes because they don’t easily attract to visual arousal cues.
Being Attracted To Close Friends
Because they have a deep understanding and connection to their close friends, demisexuals often develop a crush and get attracted to the friends they are closest with. It is commonly observed that almost all the serious relationships of a demisexual person begin with platonic friendships. The foundation of their relationship is based on a deep connection.
The Sexual Attraction Is A Process
Sexual attraction for a demisexual person occurs after a close connection over an extended period of getting to know someone. There is a pattern of sexual attraction for them and not just something that can happen impulsively. Demisexual individuals take considerable time to connect with a person before finding them arousing.
Preferring Intimacy Over Sex
If we talk about date night, a demisexual person would appreciate some intimate actions that can help them get to know their partner better rather than straightaway engaging in sexual activities. The sexual attraction can begin to bud after a successful intimate date where both individuals connected deeply.
Wrongly Perceived As “Prude”
People who are unfamiliar with the concept of demisexuality may perceive demisexual as someone who is shy, prude, picky, or afraid of intimacy. They could make demisexuals feel abnormal and weird even after countless efforts of explaining to them the pattern of sexual attraction that comes with demisexuality. Their assumptions are solely based on anxiety a demisexual could face related to sex or the inability to flirt.
You Are Not Alone
As sexualities are more openly talked about, people are finding it more comfortable to associate themselves with the community. More and more people are identifying themselves as demisexuals, breaking free from the wrongly perceived notions of society. They are able to relate to themselves as a part of a community and be comfortable with themselves.
There are arguments stating that demisexuality is not real or valid and merely is a made-up label to seek attention or feel special. But what we need to understand is that it is not a label but a descriptive term for a specific type of attraction that helps people who are demisexuals to understand better themselves and connect themselves to a community.
The bottom line is if you are someone who feels that a sexual relationship with a person can be made only after a deep and meaningful connection with someone, then you may identify as a demisexual- but there is not necessary to put a label to it as sexuality can be a spectrum and can be explored how it feels right for one.